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Bicycle.net, clearly well-regarded among influential persons throughout the sport of cycling, was able to get exclusing and unprecedented access to the 24 year old climbing specialist who just today confessed to using EPO during this year’s Tour de France.  Not to dwell, below is the text of our conversation with the young man:

Bicycle.net (BN): “So Ricardo, first, thank you for meeting with us today.”

Ricardo Ricco (RR):  “You seem to have some powerful friends in the right places, so I must come, eh?”

BN:  “You give us way too much credit, I’m sure.”

RR:  “Really? What would you call it when my cellmate tells me to get my clothes on and come meet with you?”

BN:  “Too much information, perhaps.  But please thank Bruno for us.  In any case, today you confessed to using EPO during the Tour, is that correct?’

RR:  “I did say that, yes.”

BN:  “But you initially said you did not use EPO.”

RR:  “That is correct also.”

BN:  “Excuse me, do you mean it is correct that you initially said you did not use EPO, or that you did not actually use EPO during the Tour?”

RR:  “Yes.  That’s exactly what I said.”

BN:  “Right.  Well, maybe we ought to move on then.  Now when you were escorted from Tour you were initially arrested and spent the night in jail in just your cycling kit, isn’t that correct?”

RR:  “Mostly correct. At some point I was no longer in my cycling kit.”

BN:  “I see, how did that come about?”

RR:  “A five-foot-eight and one-hundred-thirty pound paisan with shaved legs in a french prison cell –what would you expect?”

BN:  “Right, our regrets, for sure.  So are you aware that you’re likely to be suspended from the sport for two years as a result of your use of EPO?”

RR:  “Sure, that is how it works.  So I train without having to distract myself with participating in races, and then I will be quite fit and only twenty six when the suspension is ended, eh?”

BN:  “So you think you’ll be able to return to cycling then?”

RR:  “That is what my friend Ivan Basso is doing, and he has teams offering him good money, no?”

BN:   “I suppose so.  Well, good luck on that.  So, changing topics, how do you feel about having brought your team to an end and forcing your teammates out of their jobs?”

RR:  “I suppose it is not so bad to be behind the concrete walls, eh!  But they will get over it in time.  And one must not forget, they were not such good riders, compared to me anyway.  I believe I may have done them a favor to see that there are other things in life than cycling.  In time they will thank me.”

BN:  “Wow, you’re not going to make friends like that.  Speaking of which, are you concerned about how you’ll be greeted in the peloton if you do come back into the sport?”

RR:  “Not really.  Usually I race off the front anyway, so it’s hard to hear what they are saying back there.”

BN:  “I see.  Well let’s talk about the Tour of Italy then.  You got second place and nearly won it.  Were you on EPO then also?”

RR:  “Did I confess to being on EPO then?”

BN:  “Not that I recall.”

RR:  “Me either.”

BN:  “But were you on EPO, or not?”

RR:  “Yes.”

BN:  “Yes what?”

RR:  “Yes to your question.  After all, I believe honesty is the best policy.”

BN:  “Did you ever use anything other than EPO when you raced?”

RR:  “Yes, maybe a little bit here and there.  Nothing important, for sure.  Mostly caffeine, naturally, and sugar.  Although I have tried nicotine, creatine, and one time some testosterone from my friend Floyd Landis - but it made my legs too hairy so I quit - and Tom Boonen cut me a line of cocaine as we rolled along in the peloton.  He’s a super guy, always sharing.  And diet pills — I used to weigh one-eighty before, you know.  Now look at me.  Quite slim, eh?”  

BN:  “Sounds like you’ve experimented quite a lot, actually.  Is there anything you haven’t done?”

RR:  “Well, I know better than to party with Tyler Hamilton, for sure!  That guy will mess you up when he opens the medicine cabinet.”

BN:  “You’ve said publicly that your hero is the deceased Marco Pantani, who had his own issues with drugs.  What do you think about that?”

RR:   “Pantani was a lightweight.”

BN:  “Excuse me?”

RR:  “Why, what did you do?”

BN:  “No, I mean, what did you mean by ‘lightweight?’”

RR:  “He couldn’t handle the fame, he couldn’t handle Lance, and he couldn’t handle the cocaine, you know?”

BN:  “And yet he’s still your idol?”

RR:  “Nobody’s perfect, eh?”

BN:  “But you sound like you think you’re pretty perfect, isn’t that right?”

RR:  “Me?  No, I’m not perfect, for sure.”

BN:  “So how are you imperfect, then, in your view?”

RR:  “I could handle Lance, and fame, and the drugs, but I couldn’t handle the doping controls.  There is still work to do there, no?”

BN:  “I suppose so.  Well, thank you for your time today.  Unfortunately, the guard is signaling that our interview must end.”

RR:  “Believe me, I wish it didn’t have to end so soon.  I’m tired of playing ‘climb the Alpe d’ Huez’ with Bruno, you know?”

BN:  “Now we do.  And with that, goodbye and good luck.”

Obviously, the above interview occurred in our dreams only.  Any resemblance to reality was just a lucky guess.   We wish Ricardo everything that’s coming to him.