How To Enrage A Fixed Gear Riding Hipster
Written by: Bike Shop Bobby
Wanna know the absolute without a doubt best way to enrage a fixed gear riding hipster?
Suggest that he actually ride his track bike on the track.
I know it’s a bizarre concept but when I dug that little nugget out of my cesspool of advice, the advise nearly slashed my throat.
It started out as typical as any Sunday could be. Before the doors even opened a dozen people and their bikes were lined up outside the door. I’ve never understood the Sunday morning customer. 9 out of 10 of them are people who literally wake up that morning, remember they have a bicycle collecting dust in the garage and gosh darn it; they’re going to ride today.
So yeah, you’ve got 9 frantic people who can’t figure out how to put air in their tires and one customer with a legitimate need.
In this case it was a bespectacled dude wearing his little sister’s jeans rolling in a Celeste Bianchi Pista Concept I saw him haul out of his Land Rover.
“I’m running late for a race and I was wondering if I could get my 17 swapped out for a 19?”
“You’re going to race and you want an easier gear?”
“Yeah, it’s a hill climb race.”
“OooooooK”
So we get his cog swapped out and he’s one his way.
About an hour later he returns as white as a ghost and if you’ll pardon my French, madder than a dog shitting tacks.
“I’m gonna sue you guys for everything you’ve got. Do your mechanics even know what they’re doing? I nearly got killed because of their stupidity.”
“What happened?”
Between labored breaths of fear and rage our newest overnight “cyclist” described in vivid detail about how his lil’ hill climb race featured both going up and down said hill which in this neck of the woods translates into being a small mountain.
Coming back down, he was in a great position hanging with the leaders. The only problem was they were approaching a red light at a very high rate of speed. When he realized he wasn’t going to make it, he attempted a skid stop and his cog slipped- nearly tossing him from his bicycle into oncoming traffic. If weren’t for a Flintstone stop which all but destroyed his new, limited edition Nike Dunks our fixie fiend would have been lucky to have enough body parts left to warrant an ambulance ride instead of being a stain on the road waiting to be cleaned up by a street sweeper.
“So let me get this straight. You’re upset because you were riding a brake less bike down the side of a mountain at over 40 miles per hour and you tried to run a red light across a six lane road but when you tried to stop your brake less bike the cog we installed slipped and was the cause of your near death experience?”
“Yeah”
“Did you test out the cog to make sure it was tight?”
“No. I was running late. Besides, the only reason why I paid to have it done was so that it could be done right.”
”I don’t even ride a fixed gear and I even I know that it’s common for a new cog to slip right after it has been installed.”
“That doesn’t matter. I almost got killed because you.”
“I wasn’t the one who told you to run red lights and ride a bike without brakes. I didn’t make you make stupid decisions. That was all you, man. Besides, why don’t you ride your bike on the track where it’s meant to be ridden?”
And that was final back breaking straw of logic for him to leave in a tire scorching rage with a vow never to shop at our establishment again. All of us lackeys in the back slapped high fives in celebration at having one less fakenger to deal with.
Really, I don’t mean to sound so harsh (OK, I do) but going into year three of fixed gears being the hot new thing is getting more than a little old. Since the day this whole fad exploded we’ve been scratching our heads as to why.
Are fixed enthusiasts really roller bladers who’ve discovered that riding a fixed gear is less embarrassing than skating around town?
Do people young enough to have grown up playing on safe playground equipment feel some burning, internal need to put themselves in a potentially dangerous situation where social Darwinism comes into play?
How to they squeeze into such tight pants, plain ol’ butter or something like heavy duty Country Crock?
Much like the mystery of Stonehenge, these questions will probably remain unanswered. Since fixed gears are more than likely here for at least a couple more years since fly over country is starting to catch on, here’s a handy list of requirements that I truly feel should be mandatory for fixed gear ownership.
1. At some point since the start of the 21st Century, you have occasionally ridden a non-fixed bicycle, either for recreation or transportation.
2. Possess the physical stamina to complete a five mile bike ride featuring at least one notable hill in 30 minutes or less AND without needing to stop for a smoke break.
3. If you’re going to insist upon riding a Brooks saddle, you are forbidden from asking for a refund because it still makes your ass hurt after two weeks of use.
4. When selecting your Chrome Bag, please, take no more than three into the dressing room to model at one time. And when you make your purchase don’t forget to take the tag off lest you want to look like just started riding a bike. Actually trying to ride your new bike will take care of that part.
5. You fully comprehend that skid stops are not covered under ANY tire manufacturer’s warranty and adversely affect the durability of a tire.
6. You have the mechanical expertise needed diagnose and remedy problems such as a “chain coming loose” without having to drive your bicycle back to the bicycle shop.
7. If a repairing a flat tire is out of your comfort zone, have at least $13.40 in your pocket or left on your parent’s credit card before having said repair completed. It’s all but impossible to “dine and dash” when a bicycle mechanic still has your bike in his repair stand.
8. If Aerospoke wheels sucked when they first came out back in the 90’s there’s no valid reason for them not to suck today. Seriously, why would you want to be the guy that people who know more about bikes than you do point and laugh at?
9. You can pick Eddy Merckx out of a line up comprised of Lance Armstrong, Jeanie Longo, Nelson Vails, and Rashaan Bahati.
10. This is the big one- You have the common sense needed to understand that riding a bicycle can be a dangerous activity especially when you make it more dangerous by eschewing brakes and your local municipality’s motor vehicle code.
Categories: Bike Shop Bobby, Humor
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This One’s For The Dopers
LMAO!!!!
nicely said.
You owned it man! Coasting is one of the most advantage and pleasurable thing you can do on a bike. Why would anyone take that away? Biking with no brakes is just asking for trouble.
You are right. Riding a bike without brakes is dangerous and illegal. However, a fixed gear can be fun, just be sure you have brakes and can pass the test above.
the most common reason i see and hear about why people don’t put brakes are that it doesn’t look as cool…
wow, that’s right guys.. the coolness factor..
last time i checked, america is in recession and i think looking cool and wishing for a quicker death is the last thing in the common person’s mind, or injury..
but hey if they wanna put other people in danger and possibly land themselves in the hospital with more bills on top of them being laid off, then.. shame
HA ha, I agree, I pass these possers all the time. Theres not much they can do when a hill comes up.
Can you help me understand why the sales person laughed when I bought a fixed gear bike and requested brakes and a free wheel added to it?
Well, I meet all but requirement number 9–can I still ride my fixed-gear (which has a front brake btw)? But seriously, I think that story was pretty funny and definitely that guys fault. Why the hell would you race on a track bike unless it was on flat ground anyway?
I’m a “Fixed Gear Hipster” and I would absolutely love to participate in velodrome races. The only problem is that there isn’t a track in my state. I would have to fly to another state to race.
Don’t let one or even a few fixed riders skew your opinion on it. Not everyone rides fixed because it is “hip”.
Thank you. One of them, the bad skillz one, tried to suicide on my fender while blowing through a red. No lights. No way to see the dude as he was doing 30ish. No shirt. No helmet. Stupid.
you can get a cog on tight with the right torque every time. There are a few ways at home without a chain whip that work really well, but if you are working in a shop there is no excuse. If you knew that the cog commonly slipped, why didn’t you take the extra i don’t know… ten seconds to make sure that it tightened properly and with enough force? I would be mad if my cog slipped after going to a shop too. At home my cogs never slip when I do it, so why wouldn’t you expect someone with the proper tool to be able to do it right? Would you have laughed if he got hurt because he expected to be able to stop a certain way? He came to your shop because he wanted that guarantee and in his own way(even if it wasn’t the smartest) was taking a precaution and you failed that. You could have at least said sorry no matter how he acted, and no matter where you should think he should ride his bike.
I’ve gotta take issue with the cog slipping thing. I’ve only ever had a cog slip when I had a shop put it on (at this point shops ought to understand that the demands of a fixed cog being ridden on the street are a little higher than a fixed cog on a track (then again, working at a shop and stripping a cheapo hub by over tightening it is a major bummer too..)). A cog will NOT slip if you tighten it properly with anti-seize or grease before you tighten the lockring (also with grease or anti-seize). Patrick is right, and I was myself very angry when my cog slipped because of some dipshit at a shop (to be fair, I’ve worked at a shop and been a dipshit in many respects).
-Bikefag
You cant get down on fixie riders. Certainly it is turning into a trendy bike. I have many bikes a hardtail mountain bike, a downhill bike, a cruiser and a fixie. That guy is a fool for riding without brakes.
I do agree with the shop comments. It is sad that the first year i owned my mountain bike i could do better work than repair shops. Shops dont give a shit about your bike unless you are a friend of the mechanic. That is stupid. People who work in shops are almost just as trendy as fixed gear hipsters.
i love riding brakeless fixed. and i agree with your post wholeheartedly anyways.
it seems that the fancier the bike is, the less the hipster know how to work on it (most of the time) and the more they ride outside of their abilities – or at 2mph only (both extremes seem about equally common)
also, I always install my own cogs.rotafix them if you ride brakeless on the street. if you dont want to learn the insanely simple mechanics of a brakeless bike you have no buisness riding one, because if ANYTHING goes wrong you are screwed and responsible. or at the very fucken least diagnose the problem and know when not to ride your broken bike.
but most of all…I would add to the top of the list…i want to shoot every idiot who rides brakeless without toe clips (unless they never leave the parking lot theye freestyling in ever). you. cannot. skidtop. quickly. without. toeclips.
HAHAHAHA I agree with a lot of what you say man, but for those of which who actually know what the hells up with a fixie knows clearly about the danger their up against.
And in response to the guy who said “Coasting is one of the most advantage and pleasurable thing you can do on a bike. Why would anyone take that away? Biking with no brakes is just asking for trouble.” One of the main reasons for this being,is that riding a fixie gives you a load more stamina no doubt about it. Therefore making it so that girls love you that much more. BAAAH!!!
Who is being snobby by demanding that everyone know who Eddy Merckx is? Why is it that no one give car drivers a hard time for know nothing about their car when something goes wrong? People should be applauded for riding bikes, even for not so holy reasons. Trend or not, its good for the industry as a whole. Bikes of all kinds.
tarck(trick track), and fixed freestyle is here to stay, trendy indeed but the roots are set. simmilar “hipster” jokes were made by the surf community about skateboards when they hit the scene. riding brakeless isnt such an obscure attention getting method of cycling when you take away the youtube videos of distance skids, stem humping, and leg over cuteness. complete cadence control, small lockups that require a total awareness of your bike, your balance, and your mind. its the intensity of keirin even when you are riding to the corner store in your hometown. bright colours and tight jeans are in, but to generalize a community that is growing with force, and stimulating your shops economy, is just as ignorant as not checking your own lockkring before an alleycat.
YOu people think that we the “hipsters” are foolish…HAHA< laugh at your self,all you old men and your spandex..Ill blow by you, on my fixie, and laugh when you try to catch me, and i blow the red light….. peace old timers
I loled @ Rya’s comment.
I don’t ride a fixie, but I don’t see why you should hate an entire group of people for a few idiots.
I ride a fixed gear most of the time, although I have an urban tank commuter and nice, light and fast road bike. Since I’m 53 I don’t think i”d qualify as a hipster. (Skinny jeans don’t work for me…). I ride in urban traffic most of the time, and have also put in some good long rides (50, 60, 70 miles) on the fixed. this year I’ll do a century on it. Lots of ways to ride a fixed gear. I hope to be riding one for years to come. The whole “I hate trends” thing (no matter what the trend)is a bit goofythey come they go they stay sometimes — why get wrapped up in it? Bikes are cool no matter what. As for brakes, unless you’re on a track bike on the track, they just make plain old common sense. Skid stops take time, car doors don’t wait. And if you’re not into working on fixed gears in your shop because your too hip for the latest trend, just say so and quit wasting folks time.
Rya, You think you could beat a proper roadie on your fixed? Any real roadie would smoke you. Like me for instance
Anyways, I also ride fixed, and love people who mock them at traffic lights and then try to out sprint me… I demolish them with raw quad power! haha