Seven Observations From The First Week Of The Tour de France

1) Craig Hummer needs a nickname. I suggest The Leprechaun. Why? Because until this swim coach/bull riding commentator showed up at the Tour de France, I thought there was no announcer on earth worse than Al Trautwig. But nope, Versus achieved the impossible and found that mythical creature without all the hassle of going to the Land of Make Believe. Well, played Versus. Well played. A rodeo was a great place to look for someone to call the action of a bicycle race.

2) You can cancel your plans to assassinate Smilin’ Bob the Enzyte guy. Considering the makers of Enzyte are in the midst of a $100 million indictment for conspiracy, money laundering, wire and mail fraud this will probably be Bob’s last summer of cashing residual checks- unless they’ve already been bouncing.

3) Manuel Beltran didn’t dope just so he could ensure his mediocrity. Nope. He shot up like it was 1998 all over again for the noblest reason of all- to protect the sanity of the viewer at home by giving Versus a very compelling reason to stop running that “I’m gonna set myself straight” spot every other minute.

4) Lance dumped Bob Roll out of his Fave Five to make room for Matthew McConaughey a long time ago. Maybe it’s time for Bobke to ride off into the sunset. In his place, I’d suggest YouTube sensation Kige Ramsey. Compared to mush mouth Bob, Kige sounds like George Plimpton.

5) The Awesome Auger actually looks pretty awesome.

6) Thor Hushovd and Magnus Backstedt could both probably do pretty well if they crossed over to the sport of dudes laying on dudes, er, I mean World Extreme Cagefighting.

7) Jens Voigt says he won’t be attacking this Tour. Yeah right. No totally means yes.

Comments

  1. System6 says:

    More than fully agree that something has to be done about Craig Hummer.

    - First, explain to him that TdF riders need to stay on for more than 8 seconds to win.
    - Second, make him write and say the names of each rider 100 times, or until he can get them better than Bob Roll does
    - Third, give him a doggie-downer; you know the dramamine you slipped into a bit of lunch meat and fed to pooch before a long car ride so fido didn’t puke all over your car
    - Finally, enlist him in some shop rides until he gets the lingo right and gains a sense of what’s truly going on in the pack.

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