I can read you mind. Well OK, not all of it, maybe my powers only go so far as to be able to read the cycling related bits, but for most of us that must constitute a good 80% of the available space.
I know several things for certain, you could do with losing a few kilos, you could do with getting a little bit fitter and don’t even get me started on that bike you ride!

OK, OK, I lied, just like all fair ground showmen my act is based on percentages and probability. You see you and I are cyclists and are therefore by our own standards overweight and unfit.
You see every single cyclist on the planet, pro or plodder, believes they are a little bit too heavy. Quite what this ideal weight is we rarely make clear and even when we do, we will revise the figure tomorrow and again the day after. You see we all labor under the belief that losing a little bit of excess fat will somehow equate to a massive improvement in performance. Somehow we all believe that all that stands between us and a Cavendish like sprint is one less bar of chocolate a week. Getting dropped on the hills will be a thing of the past if we could only shed a few micrograms of blubber.

The other thing that I know to be true for every single cyclist, is that we are all not quite as fit as we should be. You see as the nights shorten and the amount of daylight increases the human being has a natural urge to jump on their bike and ‘get some miles in’. Quite what these miles involve is a mystery, but if we could only do more of them we would be well and truly happy.

So then, these miles? Never quite do enough do we? Or if we do they’re never the right quality are they? As a coach (yes I know it’s hard to believe, but there you go) I know that the vast majority of cyclists just ride what I term ‘Junk’ miles and what’s more ride them with no plan or clear objective. That’s the problem isn’t it, we all just love riding our bikes and so we do and we do it at every possible opportunity and then we feel guilty about it. Not guilty because we went for a ride, but guilty because we didn’t got far enough, fast enough, climb enough, sprint enough. Like some obscure religion cycling gives us so much and yet still manages to make us feel guilty.

Have you ever got home barely able to walk, only able to stagger to the couch and collapse whilst you’re partner / pet / invisible friend laughs at you? And have we not all about 30 minutes later thought ‘I should have ridden that extra hill.’, or ‘I could have done another 10 miles’. You see it because none of us ever believe we’re fit enough and therefore by inference we believe we’re slightly overweight.

What else do I know about you? Well for a start I know your saddle is too high, or too low, I’m not sure which, but I know for sure it’s not right. I’ve never seen you ride a bike, but I don’t have to do I? You and I both know that no cyclist ever have their saddle adjusted to the correct hight, well OK, maybe not ‘every’ cyclist, I’m sure Armstrong and Cav get it pretty close to perfect, but the rest of mere mortals? Not even close. And what about that bike? Oh my God, there is no way those wheels go with that frame and that saddle? What were you thinking? No wonder you’re overweight!
And when was the last time you cleaned your bike? Not as spotless as it could be is it?

So there we have it. We’re all unfit, overweight and our bikes are a disgrace, why do we bother?