Written by: Lanolin

There’s just something about the constant process of dehydrating on a ride and rehydrating for a race that causes my urge to pee go from zero to pinching-off-the-pressure-of-a-fire hose in about 3 minutes. Consequently, I’ve become almost more comfortable pissing in the open air than in the WC. Side of the road, behind a tree, next to a trashcan in an alley, parking garages… really no place is off limits when the time comes. Ditto for road races. There wasn’t a single RR this season that I didn’t have to execute an on-bike pee. Sure, there are those rare times when the whole pack stops and has a proper off-bike piss, but those times are rare. So out of necessity I’ve gotten quite good at going at speed. With very little dribble and minimal pack chasing after the deed.

I’ve been asked by more than a few fellow racers to describe the process. I did a quick Google search and sure enough found no fewer than three descriptions on how to pee on the bike. Since they weren’t written by me, I found them dis-satisfactory. So here you go.

Step One: Drift to the back of the pack. (That should be obvious enough, right?) Then wait for a slight downhill. You’ve got to keep your speed up so you can complete the task without coasting to a stop. Falling over into a puddle of your own urine is embarrassing and unpleasant.

Step Two: Roll up the right leg of your shorts as high as you can.

Step Three: With your left hand on the top of your bar, stand straight up on your right leg and twist to face the side of the road.

Step Four: Pull your junk out from under the rolled up leg and let it all go. I hear that a lot of guys have a big problem with this final, crucial step. Just relax, you’ve done this every day of your life. Of course, prepare to be passed by a few follow vehicles. Try not to think about the fact that they’re either disgusted by you or just laughing at you.

When you’re done, just shake it out, tuck it in and hope there hasn’t been an acceleration in the pack. You did it! You get a golden star!