You’ve met Greg. Now meet Craig.

A while back, when I wrote about Greg Gable, my first bike shop crazy, it was always my goal to do a follow up piece on the fellow who is the thunder to Mr. Gable’s lightning.

However, one of the amusing quirks about crazy people is that they’re not exactly the most predictable. Seemingly the day I wrote about Greg, my current huckleberry fell off the face of the earth. Up until that point you could set your watch to his clockwork daily appearances at the shop.

Well, just yesterday the man we thought had been decomposing behind a dumpster for the last nine months casually staggered through the door as if not a day had passed.

Here’s how our initial exchange went down.

“Craig! Where you been?”

“Tennessee.”

“What were you doing in Tennessee?”

“Drinkin’ the shine.”

That last statement, dear Bicycle.net readers, is the epitome of the beer soaked enigma that is one Mr. Craig Fine. To him, it was perfectly normal to vanish for the better part of a year to go on a cross country field trip and do nothing but drink moonshine.

Much like how being the laziest man in Los Angeles County put Jeffrey Lebowski deep in the running for laziest man worldwide, Craig could go toe to toe with the finest drunks this planet has to offer and I guarantee he would be the last man still mostly upright.

But the beauty of Craig is that he isn’t just your run-of-the-mill one dimensional drunkard. Nope. You see, Craig is legally blind and he wears headphones while he rides.

In other words, imagine if Helen Keller were a dude who liked nothing more than getting hammered and riding bicycles.

Miraculously Craig has never been hit but a few years back he did take an unwarranted bullet to the gut and got a nice settlement check from the LAPD that enables him to buy a new bottom end mountain bike whenever he loses one and drink all he wants without the hassle of trying to hold down any sort of job.

Lest you think Craig lacks thrift, I kid you not that he once returned an insulated water bottle because it did a horrible job keeping his Colorado Kool-Aid (that would be Coors to us common folk) cold.

He’s also so environmentally conscious he could make the crunchiest hippy green with envy. Then again, he might have been aiming for the toilet that one time we let him use the restroom and the dump he took landed a good foot an half away from the porcelain. Good thing he was still in the building when the unruly mess was discovered because there is no way any of us would have cleaned it up.

Now that you know Craig, you should probably know what brought him in the shop. He wanted to get a mirror installed on his bike.

A blind dude needed a mirror.

You can’t make stuff like this up.

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